well done please.

I just went crazy. yelling at our horrible neighbors across the street. They have been setting off fireworks all night...aiming over our house, and apparently I was done.

So done that I went to the front porch.. and yelled at the top of my lungs (and if you think Lucy is loud.. you should hear where she got those lungs...)

me:"That's it. Aim the fireworks over your own house"

punk ass kids: "We did."

Me--the crazy lady:"No. You did not.. not when it is coming down over here. I am done with you. I am so done with you. Knock it off."

punk ass kids: "Sorry" etc.

then sort of quietly "Fuck you."

and that was it, I yelled even louder:

"Don't tell me to Fuck Off. That is it. Cops are going to be called EVERY SINGLE TIME.I am DONE with you."

Enter my husband...
who looks like he is a bit scared of me.

I guess I was done. I am quite certain I was possible set off by some other things, like traveling with a small child today who screamed on the plane as we came down because her ears hurt, then coming home to my house... which amazingly did not become a clean, neat oasis whilst I was away... and having talked to my darling husband who (I think) owes me an apology for a mean tone of voice he used (under dire circumstances.. but it was mean just the same..)and he does not think he owes me an apology at all.. and I am behind on my project, and I miss my insane family and all of the Southern California drama.. and we are trying to decide where we will spend Christmas...and my downstairs bathroom is nowhere near being finished, and the back yard is still in a crumble jumble mess, and school will be starting in just a few weeks and we have not set up all that we should for our Special Ed PTA and I feel responsible,

and... and some very close family friends just found out that the baby they are carrying probably won't survive outside the womb, and if he did he would have what many would not call much of a life.. and I am pretending it is not bothering me, but it looks like they will terminate the pregnancy and I am just so sad for them, and sad that they had to even think about such a horrible decision and I feel sick inside because their doctor said things like "The child may never walk, and probably won't talk, and won't be able to feed or dress himself, or have any sort of a normal life".. and I know that their circumstances are different, but

those are all things that could have been said about Jake.

and apparently I was done.

and I yelled at the hooligans. and I am so so so done.

I say.. You think

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

1. Traditional ::Southern Fried Chicken


2. Popeye :: Wimpy


3. Gin :: and tonic


4. Harsh :: words


5. Topless :: dancing


6. The thing :: that ate New York


7. Defiant :: Berkeley


8. Huge :: Love


9. Food :: Popcorn


10. Lenny :: Squiggy

My Momma

my mom can't blog.. we used to fight about how she would always ask how to "cut" and "paste" in Word docs. I told her that she was going to live at least 40 more years and she should damn well figure it out.. so anywhoo she can't post a comment on my blog.. so she emails me... and I guess she must be reading my little words here because this is what she wrote:

i pray
i cry
i pray
i wash clothes
i pray
i email
my daughter blogs
I look in the mirror and I see my mother... i know that i'm not as smart as she...
my daughter is smarter than both of us...
i miss them both all the time... my life is so wonderful..... but there are so many things that make me sad... i can't change any of them.. i do the best i can.... i never feel like it is enough.... i miss my grandma... sometimes i take her old cooking fork out of the drawer and just look at it...
she would tell us .... it will get better, be patient
hell! she was always WASHING CLOTHES...!!!!!
I love you
momma

for as often as we fight and misunderstand each other, I get it. She knew I would get it when I had a daughter. Lucy makes me crazy. She is so demanding and smart and annoying and funny and crazy and she is into everything all the time and she never stops moving and she dances in the kitchen and so I kind of get it. Why I can get under my mother's skin like no one else (except maybe Gerard.. he is pretty remarkable that way).. why she can get under mine. But aside from all of the tears and yelling and talking and irritation and such.. I am my mother's daughter. I have all of her odd little habits, and some of her heart and concern for others. I have her nails and her hands for that matter, and her oh-so-tiny ankles (though she has never broken hers).

I have much more to say on this topic.. not to mention that I also have my stepMomster.. and in many ways I have become that mother's daughter too.. because they are more alike than either would like to think...if in no other way.. they both love me fiercely.. and I am lucky for that. Hard to breathe sometimes, but I am lucky just the same.

Pointless Things I Do:

• i clean before the housekeeper comes.
• i hire a housekeeper.
• i pray.
• i paint my toenails or even worse.. i pay someone else to do it.
  
• i purchase Zout, Shout and other stain removing liquids in a vain attempt to keep our clothes looking new and vibrant.
• i think that some day we will have more disposable income than we do today.
• i speak French to Lucy..or what I recall to be French which is now more likely Spanglench (Spanish, English and French... Frengspan perhaps?).
• i pick up paint chips and design magazines.
• i write my thoughts down for everyone else to see.
• i tell my mom that we are fine. i tell my in-laws that we are great.
  
• i sort things like this: 'keep', 'toss', donate' and 'sell on eBay' .
• i keep thinking that any day now we are going to "hit our stride" with our careers, our marriage and our kids.
• i plant flower seeds in a garden without functioning sprinklers.
• i have always believed that hard work coupled with all the smarts you can muster will get you pretty close to where you want to go in life.
  
• i have two bundt cake pansand an angel food cake pan, and a commercial chafing dish in my pantry /baking area.. and have no foreseeable occasion to use any of them.
• i blog when I am in distress.
  

My CA- Razy Mom

So I get a call last night about 7:30pm.. it's my mom, Gloria.

GH: "jennyalice you are a talented writer."
me: "Uhm, thanks mom."
GH: "And you are very good at drawing."
me: "No, mom, actually I'm not."
GH: "Yes you are."
me: "Okay, let's say I am."
GH: "Well, you are. You are very artistic."
me: "No, I have a kid that's autistic, that's different."
GH: "Well, that's my point jennyalice. You should write a children's book."

because I have time for such things? because I am so great at writing children's books?

the seed has been planted, and now it will be one more thing on my list of things I should do in my life. so when you hear me talking about this cockamamie idea...it is all her fault.

Kisses

Lucy gives kisses now.. freely.. to her dolls.. to pictures of babies in books, to her mom, and dad..

and to her big brother Jake... who holds very, very still so she can get him.

i am the luckiest mom in the whole world

Hmmm newly found Unconscious Mutterings

1. Situation :: calls for a drink


2. Theme song :: 1999


3. Kelly :: green


4. Club :: speak softly


5. Swerve :: to avoid the baby


6. Couch :: is broken at Demanda's house


7. Bigfoot :: Descartes...and Jaster


8. Arbitrary :: chain crew


9. Inventor :: Thomas Edison


10. Blazer :: 1989 bright pink with lipstick to match

Sleep.

My friend Dognobble says I have only two speeds.."GO. GO. GO!" and "sleep".


To sleep! perchance to dream:--ay, there's the rub;

-From Hamlet (III, i, 65-68)

Damn Wheels on Damn Bus

I'm not sure why it has been bugging me all day, but Jake's morning bus driver asked me:

"Is his sister okay?"

and my first thought was that I had told her that Lucy was ill or something..

then I realized, as she continued "because these things tend to run in families, the autism...".

I realized she wanted to know if Lucy was all busted in the head too.

It is really a very normal conversation to have. She actually has a special needs kid of her own (near grown), and we have spoken about Jake having autism, so it really wasn't that bizarre. I might have even asked people the same question before.. but I don't think I will ask anymore.. or at least, after the responder states that the child is indeed perfectly fine, and perhaps even ahead on the child development timeline...

I will not continue as she did...

"Well, I guess you'll just need to keep watching her."

ugh. this life has no peace.

Home Again, Home Again. Jiggity Jig

went to Tahoe for the weekend, just to sooth our souls.

and now we are home.

the sangria is much better there

Chocolatey goodness

remaining cupcakes purchased for yesterday's play date have just been pulled off the counter by Lucy..then stepped on and smooshed all over the kid and the floor.

I don't like the chocolate ones anyway.

Come Little Children

Today I took care of a friend's kids. I'll ask her later if I can name them here... I had a blast.

Apparently I can handle more children easily.. as long as they are somewhat capable of caring for themselves.. actually all I need is some one who won't run away in a parking lot. I think if Jake hadn't stopped me in my tracks with his early diagnosis of global delays and not walking on time or talking... I bet we would have had three or four kids. Having these two today felt natural, and made me feel like I am not such a bad mom (except that one of them did drink 8 or 9 juice boxes I think). They are great kids, very well-mannered and thankful children who smile much more often than they frown.

I picked each of them up from their day camps... we decided which movie to put on in the car. We went to the library (but only to drop off books). We made sandwiches.. grilled cheese and ham on 'brown' bread.. some fruit and, of course a cupcake to finish it off. I'll admit I purchased a dowzen cupcakes... thinking that if things got desperate I could put all of the children in the backyard with chocolate cupcakes and just hose them down when they were done making a mess.

We played cars, we picked lemons, we made lemonade. We made a mess in every room. They said "please" and "thank you", and asked me for something when they needed it, using language I could understand easily. When Lucy gets older she will do some of these things. Jake might do some of them too.

Jake loved having friends in the house. He loved it when one of the kids helped himself to a bag of Goldfish crackers on the counter. He smiled and watched out of the corner of his eye... "my kind of guy" is what I'm sure he was thinking.

I need to figure out how to have people over more often. My house is chaos. We have too many things. We have too many projects under way, but it can be done...right now. I don't need to wait for some magical day when my house is "under control".

I am happy this evening. It feels good to be happy. Thanks for loaning me your kids friend.

Second Verse: The Wheels on the Bus...

were parked nearer to where they should be.. perhaps tomorrow they will be completely on the flat part of the street.. and not 8 car lengths behind where I have purposely (or in this case, is it purposefully?) pulled forward and parked so as to give wide berth to the little short bus I thought would park behind me.

Jake did okay walking half a block to the bus. And once on the bus, we discovered that we know one of the little boys and his family, so that is always nice.

Lucy did not like being left behind in the car.. especially since I took the keys out of the car, so no one would steal her I suppose, and this makes the little television turn off...and she was "i watching ma"...watching Sesame Sreet-Kids Favorite Songs with Elmo.

All is good now. Jake is at school, Lucy is at childcare.. and I am all alone in my house for the first time in a while. It is soooooo quiet.. .not exactly a trip to the coast, but I'll take it.

Oh and this happened too.

This is another part of the morning.. in conversing with the bus driver...

Judith: "You must be so patient all the time with Jake."

Me: thinking .." I am sooo not patient all the time with him. But wait, I am more patient that many people would be. Yeah, but not patient enough. Maybe we would be farther along with toilet training if I were just more patient. Descartes is always saying I need to be more patient. I'm a bad person. I am not patient with either of my children. I need therapy. No I don't need therapy. I need more sleep. More than three hours a night. I need to get my toe nails painted because they are chipping, and darn it I deserve to have that one nice little thing all for myself. Great, now I am impatient and selfish.. wait, no I'm not. I just want my toes to look nice. I should have put a Bandaid on Jake's toe. I hope it doesn't hurt him today at school. I need to buy milk this morning. Maybe I will actually take a shower. I bet Lucy will need to shower with me so she won't climb the bookcase while I'm not looking..

Me: out loud "Yes, I am very patient with Jake, until I'm not."

The Wheels on the Bus...

were parked at an angle this morning, inducing a mild panic attack for Jake. Great way to start back at (summer) school.

I believe it is in our notes with transportation, to please drive past our house by two houses and park where the street levels out.
We have a great view, but it comes with a hill that is pretty darn steep. That coupled with an evil neighbor means that I drive Jake down the private drive every morning and back in front of our row of houses. Directly in front of our house is still very steep (and has three flights of stairs back up to our house.. which I do not want to navigate with Jake every morning. I already broke my leg once on those stairs...so all I ask transportation to do is have the bus driver park just past our house so no on has to park upon a steep hill, no one has to walk up or down the steep hill etc.

So I told Judith, our new driver, to park a bit further and she was very apologetic. Even offered to "start over" if it would help Jake with his routine. As it turns out she has an autistic child as well.

When Jake was still having a hard time after he was seated on the bus, I sang him a little song Descartes and I made up (we sing a lot)

Don't be mad. Don't be sad.
You have to admit, it's not that bad.
You have your mom. You have your dad.
C'mon you know you should be glad.

and it is sung to part of some classical piece of music, but I can't remember the composer right now (and it is making me crazy).

I Swear I don't Work for Them

I just ate an entire batch of kettle corn made so easily with my Whirley-Pop Popcorn Popper It was so, so delicious. The Company is Wabash Valley Farms.

Spice it Up Momma

So my little boy is possibly gringo no more.. or at least his taste buds aren't. I'll admit, my creamed chicken was a little on the plain side (but give me a break I was using left-over Costco pre-cooked chickens!) but to get him to eat his creamed chicken tonight I had to add chopped up potatoes, chopped squash.. and top it all off with Tapatio Hot Salsa Picante. As soon as I put the hot sauce on.. the kid scarfed the entire plate (probably a cup-full of food) and drank 9 oz of whole milk!
I think Jake is about to lose a couple of teeth. I can't get in there to see anything of course. Little Lucy tried to touch his yogurt covered mouth this morning and almost lost a finger!.. .anywhooo he gets sort of sensitive to what he eats when that happens. No apples, only strawberries. No honey wheat pretzels (sooo soo good) but a lot of Cheerios.

ARGHHHH NOOOOOOOOO BARNEY!

Lucy was going bananas crying just now.. in the process of giving up the morning nap. So I settled her into her little chair with a graham cracker and a cup of milk.. turned on the telly... and was about to change it to something I can manage.. like Sesame Street or Animal Planet.. the station was on PBS and Barney was on... now I don't know if you know this, but we are a Barney-free household. In fact I was hoping that by the time we had Lucy, Barney would be extinct like a good little dinosaur.. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO of course not.

So it is on, and litteLucy says "oooooooOOOOOOOO". Then she starts happy dancing smiling and singing.. Wiggly toes and everything. So I left it on, and I have not heard a peep out of her for eleven minutes except for the singing and "oOOOOOOOO"-ing.

oh dear God

Whirley Pop Stovetop Popcorn Popper

Okay just want to do a plug for a simple fun way to make popcorn that tastes good.. Comes with a great recipe book too!

Land of the Free. Home of the Brave.

Call me a sap, but seeing war veterans makes me weepy. WWII veterans, Pearl Harbor survivors. Great men and women have fought and died for this country. And what an amazing country it is that I can really, really dislike the current administration, and know that, thanks to our democracy, that guy must get out in the not-so-soon future. Amazing place that I can write, in a public fashion, that I dislike said administration and know that the only real harassment I might receive will be from family members who live behind the Orange Curtain.

For all of the reasons why this country is crazy (like how we go to another part of town to sit in the sun and watch people drive in cars??? weird.. and so much fun?)I love this life I am able to have, and I am thankful that those founding framer-people got it right with that Declaration.

love this part...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

so tonight I am going to pursue my own version of happiness.
Kids are asleep. In-laws are safely home. Yard is watered to prevent accidental burning by insane unmonitored teenagers who live across the street, and drinks have been poured for me and hubby. We are going to watch a little telly because our DVR has stored upon it: Entourage, Flight of the Conchords and Big Love.

Happy Birthday Ms. U.S.A.

Run Flat No More

Took our Not-so-mini-Van in to the shop today for its well baby check and found out that our tires are COVERED by the recall and we get new ones! Whoo!the deal expired at 30k miles and we are sitting pretty at 27k... and apparently it was only good on cars built in certain months of 2005 bla blah blah.. and our VIN was covered. So that means new tires and nothing bursting into flames..aside from my head perhaps.

Bad Mommy in the House

I was sending an invoice for my most recent project, and since I didn't sleep well last night my multi-tasking skills are not quite up to snuff.

Lucy and Jake found the barbecue chips

and have eaten all of them.


my kids are now made of MSG and Costco Vanilla Animal crackers. ..and whole milk




and yes we are all still in our pajamas.. and some of us do not have on matching pajamas.

My Kids had a Party Last Night

Last Night's Party, A Schedule

11:00 PM
Descartes goes to bed

11:30 PM
Jennyalice says she is going to bed

12:00 AM
Jennyalice goes to bed

12:22 AM
Lucy wakes up

12:44 AM
Lucy goes back to bed

1:30 AM
Everyone sleeps

2:00 AM
Everyone sleeps

2:30 AM
Jake starts making happy crazy noises

3:02 AM
Jake goes into the hallway, little bare feet on the hard wood floors making mommy awaken

3:08 AM
Jake and Mommy go upstairs

3:23 AM
Lucy wakes up and Mommy brings her upstairs

4:00 AM
PARTY which includes yammering by Lucy and much eating by Jake

4:30 AM
PARTY which includes nursing the baby, new diapers for all

4:35 AM
Mommy convinces Lucy to go back to her bed

4:40 AM
Mommy convinces Jake to go back to his bed. (Mommy closes his doors to prevent escape)

4:42 AM
Mommy goes back to sleep

4:46 AM
Lucy wakes up at her "normal" time to nurse and cuddle

4:52 AM
(this was told to me later) Lucy crawls around the bed saying mamamama dadadada and pulling on Descartes' beard. Mommy slept through this part.

5:00 AM
Lucy and Mommy go upstairs

5:30 AM
Various states of mommy dozing, Lucy nursing and sleeping.

6:00 AM
Various states of mommy dozing, Lucy nursing and climbing.

6:30 AM
Various states of mommy dozing, Lucy climbing yammering and watching children's programming.

7:00 AM
Daddy and Jake come upstairs and the day begins

Moral Dilemma #18,648

or at least that's what it feels like.

so here is the thing. Having a second child was a terrifying venture, one which took me YEARS to be okay with after figuring out that Jake was, well, Jake. We did, obviously, and WOW, I could not imagine how great my life would be adding Lucy to the mix. The kids played together in the backyard today, and little Lucy gave Jake a hug today.. and even better, he let her hug him!

Alas...not all is perfect bliss. So here's my deal. I have been going to So Cal with Lucy every few months. Okay I have been twice. I get my hair cut and my mom watches Lucy. I go shopping with my mom and Lucy. We take Lucy to fancy restaurants (like we used to do with Jake when he was her age). Lucy plays with her little cousin Bubsy (who is 13 months older). Then I fly home where Jake and Descartes have been spending the weekend together. I was planning on going again at the end of July, or maybe in mid-August.

So I was asked this evening if I was ever going to take Jake to Southern California for the weekend? Did I only take Lucy because my mom has a favorite? They were innocent enough questions, but it made me really sad. When I talked to Descartes about it, he (innocently) had made the same assumption that I would alternate which kid I take to visit 'my' family. He's not sure why it is such a big deal. And it's not really, but it is. Yes, it is a big deal to me.

And so it has begun. This was one of the things I worried a lot about before Lucy was born. If Jake can't do something (go camping on the beach or go horseback riding for example**) does this mean that Lucy doesn't get to do it either? If I am not willing to, in my opinion, torment Jake with a trip to Southern California where he will need to "be careful" the entire time he is there.. does that mean I shouldn't go with Lucy a few times a year?

When Jake was a baby I used to drive down by myself, or fly regularly. Descartes and I also used to visit there a lot more than we do now (basically we go for Christmas now). I want Lucy to have some of those same special..all about the little baby experiences that Jake had. Am I awful for wanting that for her?

And maybe this is all wrapped up in the fact that my family doesn't really come here very often, and traveling with Jake is a lot more difficult than traveling with Lucy (although he never screamed on a plane like she has).

and

here is the bad part

I do like the experience sometimes of not being the mom with a special needs kid. No matter what, when I am with Jake, that is the first thing people think about. He is not a subtle child (unless you are at a water park.. you might not be able to see his disabilities right away at a water park). Not that I am not always his mom.. of course he is always taking up a ginormous space in my heart and head.. but when I am sans kids with my family, or with any one, or I just have Lucy with me, sometimes people are able to communicate with me without that sad face...that sad, "poor jennyalice" look. Sometimes I am able to have conversations which are not solely focused on my child's development.. or better yet, I am able to talk with my parents about Jake's development without the need to run around and chase the child we are discussing. I get a chance to breathe.

Is that selfish? That's it, I'm selfish and that is one thing I do not like being called. I try each day to be as generous as I can, and this desire to take Lucy on a trip makes me feel selfish, which is why the questions rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't know. I am sad. I am sad because this will keep coming up and I will keep being judged. If I take Lucy and leave Jake I am not being "fair", if I take Jake and leave Lucy then I am being a "martyr" who "can't let go". If I take them both I will be "found dead in an airport bathroom".

Even if I go now and take Lucy as I had planned (by the way this was the last time this year I was going to do this, so it will have been a total of three times in 13 months), even if I go it will be tarnished and I will be thinking about how I "left Jake behind". And this is never going to be an issue with Descartes' family because they live near us, so my husband will never need to deal with this dilemma. Each kid has easily visited his parents' house solo, together, it is not a big deal because it is so common (though most times we are all together).

I had the most amazing relationship with my grandmother. We went on the train together and to the opera and the zoo, and the symphony and plays and Europe... and my brother, he didn't do any of those things with her. And somehow we both loved her so much that we each named our daughters after her (they have the same middle name).

and I guess I want a little bit of that for Lucy.






** Jake loves the water, so a trip to the beach requires many adults. We car camp away from the beach..and Jake cannot sit on a horse by himself, will not wear a helmet etc...